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[classification]

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[douchebag]

Are you still? If he comes here, what's going to happen?

[ To us is how that question really ends. ]

[classification]

Nothing. Just like nothing happened when the pink sim showed up. And I said back then that you have to trust me. That still holds.

[douchebag]

Do you ever wonder if I'm stringing you along again?

[classification]

Are you?

[douchebag]

No. That doesn't mean you might not wonder.

[classification]

I'm giving you a chance that you're not manipulating me again. Is it impossible for you to trust me when I say—repeatedly—that I harbor no feelings for Washington?

[douchebag]

It isn't impossible.

[ But he wishes as he sends this that he knew how to talk to Locus better. Or that he could say all of the things that he probably really needs to say to someone. ]

[classification]

Then why don't you?

[ Locus could probably learn how to talk to Felix better, too. He sucks at this. ]

[douchebag]

Because I still dream about dying more than I don't. It makes me think that if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have to do that. I don't know how I'm supposed to get over it if it won't stop happening.

[ He has to type it really fast and send it before he can look at it to get it out there. ]

[classification]

[ Well, shit.

Just shit. This is a conversation they need to have, but it's not one Locus really wants to have. ]

It wasn't about him, Felix. It was... it was about us. Me. I wanted to stop, I didn't want to follow them. You did; you wouldn't listen. After finding out what you'd done to me, I was angry. At both of us. I wanted to walk away from that whole job. We never should have taken it.

We both turned into something I don't know that we were meant for. I didn't want to be that anymore. I didn't want it to end the way it did. I'm not asking you to get over that. I'm asking you to stop thinking I'm holding some secret feelings for Washington. Or anyone else for that matter.

Better or worse, Felix, I'm here.

[douchebag]

[ It's probably better that they're having the conversation like this than out loud. Talking is easy for Felix to tune out when he's hearing something he doesn't want to be. It's not so easy to unread what he's read. ]

I didn't want to listen. I was pissed at you for caring about him and I was pissed at him for almost killing you with that damn ship. Figured if I just killed him and his friends it'd go back to the way it was. You and me. No fucking nightmare aliens or Freelancers getting in the way.

Should've known it was stupid. My plans always are.

Can't stop hating him. I don't know how. But I guess I can try to stop seeing shit if it isn't there.

[classification]

[ That's true. And very fair. Locus isn't so inclined to be ignored during the Serious Conversations anymore. If they have to have those via text, well. So be it. ]

I'm not telling you to stop hating him, but you do have to stop imagining things. There's nothing with Washington. There's nothing with Cullen. There's nothing with Traci. There's nothing with anyone who talks to me for more than a minute. That's what needs to stop.

Things can't ever go back to how they were. You should know that. We've done too many things for that to be an option. All we can do is keep going forward, not back.

[douchebag]

I'm dead, Locus. I know there's no going back. Literally, figuratively, everything-ly.

You're making it sound like I enjoy being jealous. I don't. It makes me crazy and then I do dumb shit and you get pissed about it. If I knew how to knock it off I would. You got any suggestions, I'd like to hear them.

[classification]

[ That's... not what he meant, but. That's something that's going to be thrown back in his face. Rightfully so. ]

Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Stop creating these imaginary scenarios in your head. Trust me. If I can trust you that you're not just screwing around with my head again, trust that I'm doing this because I want to.

[douchebag]

Even though you want to be a good person and I'm still a terrible one? Because full disclosure, probably anyone else is a better person than me.

[ That's just fact. Felix doesn't feel bad about it. He thinks probably a person capable of being some mysterious definition of good would. But he doesn't and the only reason he obliquely cares at all is because this is important to Locus. ]

[classification]

Is it your goal to continuously talk me out of this?

[ Because that's what it's starting to feel like the more Felix protests like this. It's confusing and Locus doesn't really know what to do. ]

[douchebag]

No. My goal is to talk to you about my fucking feelings. But sure, we can just ignore them like we always do.

[classification]

I'm not ignoring them. Or you. I'm trying to understand where you're coming from.

[douchebag]

I'm trying to be supportive of this new you thing. But it's the opposite of me. And you made it pretty clear you don't like me being me on Chorus. I don't know how to do it and everybody else does so it bothers me.

[classification]

No, what I didn't like was you not listening. In fact, I still don't like that. I'm not ever going to like that. I'm listening to you and trying to help you change what you want to change. I can't do that if you're going to fight me every step of the way.

[douchebag]

I am listening! You said you don't like things so I'm trying to fix the shit you don't like. I'm not fighting you. But I'm not a fucking robot. I still feel shit. Sometimes it doesn't make any fucking sense. I can either tell you or I can deal with it myself. Which do you want?

[classification]

I'm not saying you aren't, now. My point was that I didn't like you not listening, not you being you. When we have conversations like this, you can't keep getting defensive every time something unflattering comes up.

We both have to make concessions here in talking to each other.

[douchebag]

Because it's always unflattering!

Maybe I just need to stop talking. It doesn't make me feel better.

[classification]

Because you bring up things you want to change. If they weren't things to change, it wouldn't be unflattering. Not talking is just going to continue in this cycle.

There are things you like and don't like about me. There are things I like and don't like about you. You shutting down every time a conversation like this comes up isn't going to help anything.

[douchebag]

Getting pissed off and grumpy isn't going to help either.

[ Pissed off and grumpy are the same thing, but he can't say sad and he doesn't know a better word. ]

I don't know how to change shit and I don't know how to talk about it right. That's why I wanted Dorian to give me advice. He knows more about it than me. But he just blamed me for everything. I died. I fucking paid for it. I pay for it every time I try to sleep. I don't why that isn't enough.