[ But he wishes as he sends this that he knew how to talk to Locus better. Or that he could say all of the things that he probably really needs to say to someone. ]
Because I still dream about dying more than I don't. It makes me think that if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have to do that. I don't know how I'm supposed to get over it if it won't stop happening.
[ He has to type it really fast and send it before he can look at it to get it out there. ]
Just shit. This is a conversation they need to have, but it's not one Locus really wants to have. ]
It wasn't about him, Felix. It was... it was about us. Me. I wanted to stop, I didn't want to follow them. You did; you wouldn't listen. After finding out what you'd done to me, I was angry. At both of us. I wanted to walk away from that whole job. We never should have taken it.
We both turned into something I don't know that we were meant for. I didn't want to be that anymore. I didn't want it to end the way it did. I'm not asking you to get over that. I'm asking you to stop thinking I'm holding some secret feelings for Washington. Or anyone else for that matter.
[ It's probably better that they're having the conversation like this than out loud. Talking is easy for Felix to tune out when he's hearing something he doesn't want to be. It's not so easy to unread what he's read. ]
I didn't want to listen. I was pissed at you for caring about him and I was pissed at him for almost killing you with that damn ship. Figured if I just killed him and his friends it'd go back to the way it was. You and me. No fucking nightmare aliens or Freelancers getting in the way.
Should've known it was stupid. My plans always are.
Can't stop hating him. I don't know how. But I guess I can try to stop seeing shit if it isn't there.
[ That's true. And very fair. Locus isn't so inclined to be ignored during the Serious Conversations anymore. If they have to have those via text, well. So be it. ]
I'm not telling you to stop hating him, but you do have to stop imagining things. There's nothing with Washington. There's nothing with Cullen. There's nothing with Traci. There's nothing with anyone who talks to me for more than a minute. That's what needs to stop.
Things can't ever go back to how they were. You should know that. We've done too many things for that to be an option. All we can do is keep going forward, not back.
I'm dead, Locus. I know there's no going back. Literally, figuratively, everything-ly.
You're making it sound like I enjoy being jealous. I don't. It makes me crazy and then I do dumb shit and you get pissed about it. If I knew how to knock it off I would. You got any suggestions, I'd like to hear them.
[ That's... not what he meant, but. That's something that's going to be thrown back in his face. Rightfully so. ]
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Stop creating these imaginary scenarios in your head. Trust me. If I can trust you that you're not just screwing around with my head again, trust that I'm doing this because I want to.
Even though you want to be a good person and I'm still a terrible one? Because full disclosure, probably anyone else is a better person than me.
[ That's just fact. Felix doesn't feel bad about it. He thinks probably a person capable of being some mysterious definition of good would. But he doesn't and the only reason he obliquely cares at all is because this is important to Locus. ]
I'm trying to be supportive of this new you thing. But it's the opposite of me. And you made it pretty clear you don't like me being me on Chorus. I don't know how to do it and everybody else does so it bothers me.
No, what I didn't like was you not listening. In fact, I still don't like that. I'm not ever going to like that. I'm listening to you and trying to help you change what you want to change. I can't do that if you're going to fight me every step of the way.
I am listening! You said you don't like things so I'm trying to fix the shit you don't like. I'm not fighting you. But I'm not a fucking robot. I still feel shit. Sometimes it doesn't make any fucking sense. I can either tell you or I can deal with it myself. Which do you want?
I'm not saying you aren't, now. My point was that I didn't like you not listening, not you being you. When we have conversations like this, you can't keep getting defensive every time something unflattering comes up.
We both have to make concessions here in talking to each other.
Because you bring up things you want to change. If they weren't things to change, it wouldn't be unflattering. Not talking is just going to continue in this cycle.
There are things you like and don't like about me. There are things I like and don't like about you. You shutting down every time a conversation like this comes up isn't going to help anything.
Getting pissed off and grumpy isn't going to help either.
[ Pissed off and grumpy are the same thing, but he can't say sad and he doesn't know a better word. ]
I don't know how to change shit and I don't know how to talk about it right. That's why I wanted Dorian to give me advice. He knows more about it than me. But he just blamed me for everything. I died. I fucking paid for it. I pay for it every time I try to sleep. I don't why that isn't enough.
Bailing when agreement comes or a suggestion for how to change isn't the right way to do it. I'm not saying you can't get mad, just try to stop pushing everyone away when YOU are the one who initiates this kind of conversation.
You're helping me figure out how to have some form of emotions again. Why can't you let me help you?
You're biased. You, I don't know if like is the right word, probably not. Point is, you don't feel the same way about Wash that I do. I know I fucked you up being a shit to you all those years, but Locus, you fucked me up too. I can believe you when you say it wasn't for him or the sims, but that can't erase seeing you standing there with them, watching what they did to me. I have so many nightmares now and they aren't all about falling.
I don't think you can understand what it'd be like for me if he came here. Probably no one can. But I thought someone who didn't even know the bastard could give me advice on it so if it did happen, I wouldn't royally fuck everything up with you. I guess that's inevitable though, because even unbiased people think the sun shines out of Wash's ass.
[ It's a weird thing to feel guilt when he washed it away with everything else. He was so angry then, so tired and angry. All Locus wanted was for things to end. And they did, in a way. Not a way he really wanted, but. It's the ending they got. He can remember when they weren't so antagonistic toward each other. This is just a fucked up mess. ]
No one can give you advice on that. It's a unique situation, Felix. If he shows up, just leave him alone. Whatever you want to do, he's not worth it and you know that. Come to me and we'll go to the range or something else.
I can't change what happened any more than you can. We can figure something out along the way. I think that is all we can do. No plans.
He might not be worth it but stabbing him in the throat repeatedly would probably make me feel better. Not saying I won't come to you first, because I will if you want me to, but it sure would be therapeutic.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ But he wishes as he sends this that he knew how to talk to Locus better. Or that he could say all of the things that he probably really needs to say to someone. ]
no subject
[ Locus could probably learn how to talk to Felix better, too. He sucks at this. ]
no subject
[ He has to type it really fast and send it before he can look at it to get it out there. ]
no subject
Just shit. This is a conversation they need to have, but it's not one Locus really wants to have. ]
It wasn't about him, Felix. It was... it was about us. Me. I wanted to stop, I didn't want to follow them. You did; you wouldn't listen. After finding out what you'd done to me, I was angry. At both of us. I wanted to walk away from that whole job. We never should have taken it.
We both turned into something I don't know that we were meant for. I didn't want to be that anymore. I didn't want it to end the way it did. I'm not asking you to get over that. I'm asking you to stop thinking I'm holding some secret feelings for Washington. Or anyone else for that matter.
Better or worse, Felix, I'm here.
no subject
I didn't want to listen. I was pissed at you for caring about him and I was pissed at him for almost killing you with that damn ship. Figured if I just killed him and his friends it'd go back to the way it was. You and me. No fucking nightmare aliens or Freelancers getting in the way.
Should've known it was stupid. My plans always are.
Can't stop hating him. I don't know how. But I guess I can try to stop seeing shit if it isn't there.
no subject
I'm not telling you to stop hating him, but you do have to stop imagining things. There's nothing with Washington. There's nothing with Cullen. There's nothing with Traci. There's nothing with anyone who talks to me for more than a minute. That's what needs to stop.
Things can't ever go back to how they were. You should know that. We've done too many things for that to be an option. All we can do is keep going forward, not back.
no subject
You're making it sound like I enjoy being jealous. I don't. It makes me crazy and then I do dumb shit and you get pissed about it. If I knew how to knock it off I would. You got any suggestions, I'd like to hear them.
no subject
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Stop creating these imaginary scenarios in your head. Trust me. If I can trust you that you're not just screwing around with my head again, trust that I'm doing this because I want to.
no subject
[ That's just fact. Felix doesn't feel bad about it. He thinks probably a person capable of being some mysterious definition of good would. But he doesn't and the only reason he obliquely cares at all is because this is important to Locus. ]
no subject
[ Because that's what it's starting to feel like the more Felix protests like this. It's confusing and Locus doesn't really know what to do. ]
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
We both have to make concessions here in talking to each other.
no subject
Maybe I just need to stop talking. It doesn't make me feel better.
no subject
There are things you like and don't like about me. There are things I like and don't like about you. You shutting down every time a conversation like this comes up isn't going to help anything.
no subject
[ Pissed off and grumpy are the same thing, but he can't say sad and he doesn't know a better word. ]
I don't know how to change shit and I don't know how to talk about it right. That's why I wanted Dorian to give me advice. He knows more about it than me. But he just blamed me for everything. I died. I fucking paid for it. I pay for it every time I try to sleep. I don't why that isn't enough.
no subject
Bailing when agreement comes or a suggestion for how to change isn't the right way to do it. I'm not saying you can't get mad, just try to stop pushing everyone away when YOU are the one who initiates this kind of conversation.
You're helping me figure out how to have some form of emotions again. Why can't you let me help you?
no subject
You're biased. You, I don't know if like is the right word, probably not. Point is, you don't feel the same way about Wash that I do. I know I fucked you up being a shit to you all those years, but Locus, you fucked me up too. I can believe you when you say it wasn't for him or the sims, but that can't erase seeing you standing there with them, watching what they did to me. I have so many nightmares now and they aren't all about falling.
I don't think you can understand what it'd be like for me if he came here. Probably no one can. But I thought someone who didn't even know the bastard could give me advice on it so if it did happen, I wouldn't royally fuck everything up with you. I guess that's inevitable though, because even unbiased people think the sun shines out of Wash's ass.
no subject
No one can give you advice on that. It's a unique situation, Felix. If he shows up, just leave him alone. Whatever you want to do, he's not worth it and you know that. Come to me and we'll go to the range or something else.
I can't change what happened any more than you can. We can figure something out along the way. I think that is all we can do. No plans.
no subject
You don't like not having a plan.
no subject
There are loose plans; just nothing set in stone.
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)