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[classification]

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[douchebag]

Hey, check your watch. It's pay attention to me o'clock and you're five minutes late.

[classification]

[ He purposely waits at least twenty minutes before responding. ]

My watch is working fine.

[douchebag]

[ He knows what's going on!!! ]

I'm TRYING to help you, you big jerk.

[classification]

[ Does he??? ]

Help in what manner?

[douchebag]

There's this guy. He's apparently some bigwig on his planet, specializes in something called Yevon, which is like some kind of spiritual thing for atoning and finding inner peace and shit. Like yoga without all the weird poses. Or maybe it has them. I don't know, I didn't ask. But he knows a lot about it.

[classification]

[ Oh for God's sake. ]

All right... Why are you telling me this?

[douchebag]

I thought maybe you'd want to talk to him. I asked him some stuff and he said some promising things. Like the first step is deciding that you want to fix shit. And that once you make that decision it, I don't know, helps you keep making more like that.

[classification]

[ Locus has no idea what to actually say to this. It's not really something they talk about. Mostly because they're still on opposite sides and Locus doesn't have the patience to try and make Felix understand. He's not open to it and Locus isn't going to force it. ]

I suppose it's something to consider.

[douchebag]

Here's his contact information.

[ Felix forwards over what he knows. ]

He said that no one can tell you what's right, that you gotta figure it out for yourself, and that the past can't be undone but the future belongs to you and you can shape that how you want. So I guess there aren't any actual directions but maybe he can give you advice instead. Better than riding horses anyway.

[classification]

[ He's probably not going to contact him, but it's a possibility. ]

Vastly better than riding a horse.

[ He hates them, he thinks. ]

[douchebag]

I tried. I don't know how to do this shit.

[ And since ~☆~Wash~☆~ is so wonderful and fucking perfect he has to make the attempt. ]

[classification]

[ NO HE'S NOT. DID FELIX MISS THE PART WHERE WASH IS A DISAPPOINTMENT TO LOCUS??? ]

You don't have to. But thank you. I'll consider it.

[douchebag]

[ IF SAINT WASH IS A DISAPPOINTMENT WHAT IS FELIX?!?!?! ]

I know, but that's the point, right? Support each other, help each other out. Isn't that what partners do?

[classification]

[ A slight disappointment because of things he's done, but Locus knows him too well for Felix to be a full one!!! ]

Yes.

[ He said the magic p word. ]

I don't know that I would discuss my past with a stranger, but I appreciate the thought, Felix.

[douchebag]

[ This is probably a mistake, but now that they're here in this weird place he can't not make the offer.

What's weirder is that he means it. ]

You can talk to me. I'll listen. Even if I don't know what to say or what advice to give.

[classification]

[ Everything about this is just going to be weird. ]

I am not always looking for advice. Or any kind of answer. Sometimes there is nothing to be said.

[douchebag]

You think I'm always looking for advice when I'm talking? No. But just because we don't agree on shit doesn't mean we can't talk about it. I won't try to talk you out of doing something you want to do or judge you or whatever. That's all I mean.

[classification]

I know. My intention was to let you know I am just not always seeking an answer. I don't think there are some for the things we've done.

[douchebag]

Can I ask you something? What about it bothers you? Is it the killing? Or something else?

[classification]

Mostly, yes. I no longer see the reason. Just because it had been a mission or order doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. Still doesn't now. If there is a reason, that changes things.

Somewhere things changed from what we originally set out to do. I'm not seeking to change my past but change how I choose and act in the future. I may not always choose the right choice in terms of the governing law, but will make the choice of what is right for the situation.

I cannot achieve perfection. I cannot be a soldier any longer. I haven't been one for a long time. That is something I didn't and still don't know how to face.

[ This is the easy to talk about. So, he's pretending he's writing in his log. ]

[douchebag]

Following some asshole's orders is shit anyway.

[ He has to reach really deep here, mostly being this is treading into emotional territory. ]

Maybe there isn't any universal perfection. People can't agree on simple shit, let along what makes something perfect. Probably no one would agree on what I think is.

Maybe all you have to do is define your version of perfection. Who do you want to be? Forget everyone else and what they think. The only person who can tell you who you are is you. Not some asshole sergeant. Not some random shithead. Just you.

You want to do what's right, whether the law at the time says it is. You don't want to follow anyone's orders. That's a framework. You can build from there, just like putting a gun together.

[classification]

[ Time to go back to the sex. That's less awkward than talking about this. He can see Felix is making an effort and as strange as that is, he does appreciate it and shows him that Felix is trying to change. Even if it's just for Locus. ]

It was the wrong goal to attempt. I have learned the error now. There is no such thing as perfection. Not even my own version. My attempts were striving for a goal I could never reach.

I still have no path to follow and perhaps that is meant to be for me right now, here. Attempting to live an obscure, normal life away from the military isn't something I planned for.

[ He thought he'd be dead by now, honestly. But he's not going to say that. ]

There is no way to return to the man I was. All I can do is move forward and accept I cannot plan everything.

[douchebag]

[ Sex is always easier. Felix would be absolutely okay with doing that instead. ]

It might not feel like it, but you aren't someone else. We did a lot of shit and we changed, sure, but you're still you underneath it all.

Younger me was naive and stupid and more scared about dumb shit than I let on, but I'm still me. Kind of like distilled me. I know what I can do now. And what I can't. It's the same with you.

You didn't lose yourself. You're still right here. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

[classification]

[ Guess what's happening tonight??? ]

I did lose something along the way. I don't believe it's being too hard on myself, but realistically facing the issue. Things have changed. I have changed. There's little I can do about it now.

Do you not wonder how things might be different if we never took certain jobs?

[douchebag]

[ If this is what talking about his feelings get him... ]

You can change again. People are malleable. You can be whatever you want to be.

All the time. Come on. If we never took Hargrove's stupid job I'd still be alive. Maybe we'd get brought here anyway but I'd be able to go home.

If we weren't on Reach, maybe I wouldn't have gotten so fucked up. If I think about it, it'll drive me crazy. Because I can't change it and I hate being helpless. I guess it's just easier looking ahead. Because looking behind me's just going to fuck me up more.