You think I'm always looking for advice when I'm talking? No. But just because we don't agree on shit doesn't mean we can't talk about it. I won't try to talk you out of doing something you want to do or judge you or whatever. That's all I mean.
Mostly, yes. I no longer see the reason. Just because it had been a mission or order doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. Still doesn't now. If there is a reason, that changes things.
Somewhere things changed from what we originally set out to do. I'm not seeking to change my past but change how I choose and act in the future. I may not always choose the right choice in terms of the governing law, but will make the choice of what is right for the situation.
I cannot achieve perfection. I cannot be a soldier any longer. I haven't been one for a long time. That is something I didn't and still don't know how to face.
[ This is the easy to talk about. So, he's pretending he's writing in his log. ]
[ He has to reach really deep here, mostly being this is treading into emotional territory. ]
Maybe there isn't any universal perfection. People can't agree on simple shit, let along what makes something perfect. Probably no one would agree on what I think is.
Maybe all you have to do is define your version of perfection. Who do you want to be? Forget everyone else and what they think. The only person who can tell you who you are is you. Not some asshole sergeant. Not some random shithead. Just you.
You want to do what's right, whether the law at the time says it is. You don't want to follow anyone's orders. That's a framework. You can build from there, just like putting a gun together.
[ Time to go back to the sex. That's less awkward than talking about this. He can see Felix is making an effort and as strange as that is, he does appreciate it and shows him that Felix is trying to change. Even if it's just for Locus. ]
It was the wrong goal to attempt. I have learned the error now. There is no such thing as perfection. Not even my own version. My attempts were striving for a goal I could never reach.
I still have no path to follow and perhaps that is meant to be for me right now, here. Attempting to live an obscure, normal life away from the military isn't something I planned for.
[ He thought he'd be dead by now, honestly. But he's not going to say that. ]
There is no way to return to the man I was. All I can do is move forward and accept I cannot plan everything.
[ Sex is always easier. Felix would be absolutely okay with doing that instead. ]
It might not feel like it, but you aren't someone else. We did a lot of shit and we changed, sure, but you're still you underneath it all.
Younger me was naive and stupid and more scared about dumb shit than I let on, but I'm still me. Kind of like distilled me. I know what I can do now. And what I can't. It's the same with you.
You didn't lose yourself. You're still right here. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
I did lose something along the way. I don't believe it's being too hard on myself, but realistically facing the issue. Things have changed. I have changed. There's little I can do about it now.
Do you not wonder how things might be different if we never took certain jobs?
[ If this is what talking about his feelings get him... ]
You can change again. People are malleable. You can be whatever you want to be.
All the time. Come on. If we never took Hargrove's stupid job I'd still be alive. Maybe we'd get brought here anyway but I'd be able to go home.
If we weren't on Reach, maybe I wouldn't have gotten so fucked up. If I think about it, it'll drive me crazy. Because I can't change it and I hate being helpless. I guess it's just easier looking ahead. Because looking behind me's just going to fuck me up more.
I don't think another animal is something we need. As it is the two of you compete for my attention, I don't need something to split it further or I would never have time to myself.
Maybe Leon wants a dog too. They could run and play together and chase each other around and sleep in a furry ball together. Leon could stop stealing your lap on the couch.
I've had years to think about you. Of course I've fantasized about having you in my lap. I mean, there's more to it than that. It's not like you're just sitting there. But you're definitely there.
And it's not just that. I've probably fantasized about everything at least ten times. Probably made up shit that didn't even exist before.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Somewhere things changed from what we originally set out to do. I'm not seeking to change my past but change how I choose and act in the future. I may not always choose the right choice in terms of the governing law, but will make the choice of what is right for the situation.
I cannot achieve perfection. I cannot be a soldier any longer. I haven't been one for a long time. That is something I didn't and still don't know how to face.
[ This is the easy to talk about. So, he's pretending he's writing in his log. ]
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[ He has to reach really deep here, mostly being this is treading into emotional territory. ]
Maybe there isn't any universal perfection. People can't agree on simple shit, let along what makes something perfect. Probably no one would agree on what I think is.
Maybe all you have to do is define your version of perfection. Who do you want to be? Forget everyone else and what they think. The only person who can tell you who you are is you. Not some asshole sergeant. Not some random shithead. Just you.
You want to do what's right, whether the law at the time says it is. You don't want to follow anyone's orders. That's a framework. You can build from there, just like putting a gun together.
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It was the wrong goal to attempt. I have learned the error now. There is no such thing as perfection. Not even my own version. My attempts were striving for a goal I could never reach.
I still have no path to follow and perhaps that is meant to be for me right now, here. Attempting to live an obscure, normal life away from the military isn't something I planned for.
[ He thought he'd be dead by now, honestly. But he's not going to say that. ]
There is no way to return to the man I was. All I can do is move forward and accept I cannot plan everything.
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It might not feel like it, but you aren't someone else. We did a lot of shit and we changed, sure, but you're still you underneath it all.
Younger me was naive and stupid and more scared about dumb shit than I let on, but I'm still me. Kind of like distilled me. I know what I can do now. And what I can't. It's the same with you.
You didn't lose yourself. You're still right here. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
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I did lose something along the way. I don't believe it's being too hard on myself, but realistically facing the issue. Things have changed. I have changed. There's little I can do about it now.
Do you not wonder how things might be different if we never took certain jobs?
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You can change again. People are malleable. You can be whatever you want to be.
All the time. Come on. If we never took Hargrove's stupid job I'd still be alive. Maybe we'd get brought here anyway but I'd be able to go home.
If we weren't on Reach, maybe I wouldn't have gotten so fucked up. If I think about it, it'll drive me crazy. Because I can't change it and I hate being helpless. I guess it's just easier looking ahead. Because looking behind me's just going to fuck me up more.
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I do not know what I want.
[ And that is probably the biggest issue of all. ]
Things would be easier if I did. Perhaps I should return to trying new things.
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[ And yes, he's completely reading into that. ]
Couldn't hurt, trying stuff. You'll figure it out, you know. Eventually you'll know what you want.
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[ Locus knows. Stop it. ]
I did mean with you, you know.
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You wanna try the horses again?
[ He's kidding. ]
My calendar is wiiiiiiide open.
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No. If another horse kicks me, I'm certain I will not be allowed near the stables again.
[ Because as much as he's trying not to kill anyone without reason, he'll fucking take down the horse. That hurt. ]
We can discuss it later. We can go to the range again, too.
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[ He thinks he likes Leon too, even if he doesn't admit it. ]
What about a dog? You like Leon okay.
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I don't think another animal is something we need. As it is the two of you compete for my attention, I don't need something to split it further or I would never have time to myself.
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That's because I don't like to share. This isn't about that. This is about making you happy.
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It's something to consider. But we [ we ] have Leon.
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But if you're that worried about it, just put your head there. I can rub it or something. Brush your hair. It'll be relaxing.
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You fantasize about me sitting on you?
[ Brain, you had one job. Don't ask. ]
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I've had years to think about you. Of course I've fantasized about having you in my lap. I mean, there's more to it than that. It's not like you're just sitting there. But you're definitely there.
And it's not just that. I've probably fantasized about everything at least ten times. Probably made up shit that didn't even exist before.
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