[ Time to go back to the sex. That's less awkward than talking about this. He can see Felix is making an effort and as strange as that is, he does appreciate it and shows him that Felix is trying to change. Even if it's just for Locus. ]
It was the wrong goal to attempt. I have learned the error now. There is no such thing as perfection. Not even my own version. My attempts were striving for a goal I could never reach.
I still have no path to follow and perhaps that is meant to be for me right now, here. Attempting to live an obscure, normal life away from the military isn't something I planned for.
[ He thought he'd be dead by now, honestly. But he's not going to say that. ]
There is no way to return to the man I was. All I can do is move forward and accept I cannot plan everything.
[ Sex is always easier. Felix would be absolutely okay with doing that instead. ]
It might not feel like it, but you aren't someone else. We did a lot of shit and we changed, sure, but you're still you underneath it all.
Younger me was naive and stupid and more scared about dumb shit than I let on, but I'm still me. Kind of like distilled me. I know what I can do now. And what I can't. It's the same with you.
You didn't lose yourself. You're still right here. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
I did lose something along the way. I don't believe it's being too hard on myself, but realistically facing the issue. Things have changed. I have changed. There's little I can do about it now.
Do you not wonder how things might be different if we never took certain jobs?
[ If this is what talking about his feelings get him... ]
You can change again. People are malleable. You can be whatever you want to be.
All the time. Come on. If we never took Hargrove's stupid job I'd still be alive. Maybe we'd get brought here anyway but I'd be able to go home.
If we weren't on Reach, maybe I wouldn't have gotten so fucked up. If I think about it, it'll drive me crazy. Because I can't change it and I hate being helpless. I guess it's just easier looking ahead. Because looking behind me's just going to fuck me up more.
I don't think another animal is something we need. As it is the two of you compete for my attention, I don't need something to split it further or I would never have time to myself.
Maybe Leon wants a dog too. They could run and play together and chase each other around and sleep in a furry ball together. Leon could stop stealing your lap on the couch.
I've had years to think about you. Of course I've fantasized about having you in my lap. I mean, there's more to it than that. It's not like you're just sitting there. But you're definitely there.
And it's not just that. I've probably fantasized about everything at least ten times. Probably made up shit that didn't even exist before.
[ Is this curiosity or sexting? Felix wants to ask, but if he asks, he knows he's going to ruin it. So he's just going to go with it and see what happens. ]
Well, it starts off with a lot of kissing. Aggressive, sloppy kissing. Like you can't wait to get anywhere more comfortable so right here's where it's happening. And soon it turns into biting. You've got marks on your neck. I've got marks on mine. We're both hard. You're kind of rocking against and it feels really good. But it's not enough, you know? So I fumble around and get your pants open.
[ Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now he's getting hard. Goddamn it. Time for a break. ]
[ It was curiosity. It probably still is because Locus has never sexted before and wouldn't really know if this would constitute as such. He's just kind of in the moment right now since that's the kind of living he's trying to do. ]
It's like, I want to take it slow, you know? Tease a little bit. Make you feel good without getting you off. Really enjoy the way your cock feels in my hand. But then I get my hand on it and that's it. I don't have that kind of patience. I get you out of your pants slow enough but I'm already stroking you. Really working you. And you kiss me or bite me, I don't fucking know and I'm just like Christ I want you to fuck me. And okay yeah this position's not great but I don't care I just want you inside me.
[ That he's switched over to talk to text and is absently rubbing the heel of his hand over his own dick is something only he and Leon, who just walked unnoticed into the room, know. ]
[ This probably isn't a conversation they should be having via these comms. It's private and Locus isn't positive people can't get into these and read the things they're saying. Not to mention he probably shouldn't be having it while in the kitchen at the restaurant.
For several reasons. ]
Even when you want to take it slow, you're still impatient.
[ How like Felix. Even in his fantasies he can't handle himself differently. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It was the wrong goal to attempt. I have learned the error now. There is no such thing as perfection. Not even my own version. My attempts were striving for a goal I could never reach.
I still have no path to follow and perhaps that is meant to be for me right now, here. Attempting to live an obscure, normal life away from the military isn't something I planned for.
[ He thought he'd be dead by now, honestly. But he's not going to say that. ]
There is no way to return to the man I was. All I can do is move forward and accept I cannot plan everything.
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It might not feel like it, but you aren't someone else. We did a lot of shit and we changed, sure, but you're still you underneath it all.
Younger me was naive and stupid and more scared about dumb shit than I let on, but I'm still me. Kind of like distilled me. I know what I can do now. And what I can't. It's the same with you.
You didn't lose yourself. You're still right here. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
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I did lose something along the way. I don't believe it's being too hard on myself, but realistically facing the issue. Things have changed. I have changed. There's little I can do about it now.
Do you not wonder how things might be different if we never took certain jobs?
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You can change again. People are malleable. You can be whatever you want to be.
All the time. Come on. If we never took Hargrove's stupid job I'd still be alive. Maybe we'd get brought here anyway but I'd be able to go home.
If we weren't on Reach, maybe I wouldn't have gotten so fucked up. If I think about it, it'll drive me crazy. Because I can't change it and I hate being helpless. I guess it's just easier looking ahead. Because looking behind me's just going to fuck me up more.
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I do not know what I want.
[ And that is probably the biggest issue of all. ]
Things would be easier if I did. Perhaps I should return to trying new things.
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[ And yes, he's completely reading into that. ]
Couldn't hurt, trying stuff. You'll figure it out, you know. Eventually you'll know what you want.
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[ Locus knows. Stop it. ]
I did mean with you, you know.
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You wanna try the horses again?
[ He's kidding. ]
My calendar is wiiiiiiide open.
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No. If another horse kicks me, I'm certain I will not be allowed near the stables again.
[ Because as much as he's trying not to kill anyone without reason, he'll fucking take down the horse. That hurt. ]
We can discuss it later. We can go to the range again, too.
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[ He thinks he likes Leon too, even if he doesn't admit it. ]
What about a dog? You like Leon okay.
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I don't think another animal is something we need. As it is the two of you compete for my attention, I don't need something to split it further or I would never have time to myself.
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That's because I don't like to share. This isn't about that. This is about making you happy.
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It's something to consider. But we [ we ] have Leon.
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But if you're that worried about it, just put your head there. I can rub it or something. Brush your hair. It'll be relaxing.
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You fantasize about me sitting on you?
[ Brain, you had one job. Don't ask. ]
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I've had years to think about you. Of course I've fantasized about having you in my lap. I mean, there's more to it than that. It's not like you're just sitting there. But you're definitely there.
And it's not just that. I've probably fantasized about everything at least ten times. Probably made up shit that didn't even exist before.
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Like what? What am I doing?
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Well, it starts off with a lot of kissing. Aggressive, sloppy kissing. Like you can't wait to get anywhere more comfortable so right here's where it's happening. And soon it turns into biting. You've got marks on your neck. I've got marks on mine. We're both hard. You're kind of rocking against and it feels really good. But it's not enough, you know? So I fumble around and get your pants open.
[ Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now he's getting hard. Goddamn it. Time for a break. ]
Sorry. Got carried away.
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Keep going.
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It's like, I want to take it slow, you know? Tease a little bit. Make you feel good without getting you off. Really enjoy the way your cock feels in my hand. But then I get my hand on it and that's it. I don't have that kind of patience. I get you out of your pants slow enough but I'm already stroking you. Really working you. And you kiss me or bite me, I don't fucking know and I'm just like Christ I want you to fuck me. And okay yeah this position's not great but I don't care I just want you inside me.
[ That he's switched over to talk to text and is absently rubbing the heel of his hand over his own dick is something only he and Leon, who just walked unnoticed into the room, know. ]
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For several reasons. ]
Even when you want to take it slow, you're still impatient.
[ How like Felix. Even in his fantasies he can't handle himself differently. ]
How would you fix the situation?
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