[ Oh, Felix is aware of much Locus hates a spectacle and as much as he would like him to break out of that uptight shell and live a little, he knows he can't force it. He can offer opportunities and give a few nudges here and there, but ultimately the decision to act belongs to Locus. Felix accepted that when he promised to stop manipulating him.
And he knows that if he did get up and go ride that bull, Locus would hate it. The paranoia would creep in and the weight of all the eyes in the room, whether they were actually looking at him or not, would drive him crazy. Felix wants this vacation to be fun and enjoyable for both of them. Making Locus self-conscious won't accomplish that. ]
I want to do a lot of things. [ He accompanies that with a negligent shrug. ] It's fine.
[ His fingers drum an absent-minded beat against the top of the table, some residual holdover from a song he'd heard on the radio on the way down. Their drinks come soon and beyond a winning smile and a gracious thank you, he doesn't say much to the waitress. As soon as she's gone, he picks up his glass and takes a sip, letting himself savor the flavor of the alcohol before he swallows it. ]
Are there any sights you definitely want to see while we're down here? We should probably make a schedule. [ Locus likes schedules. Felix is trying here. ] Or do you have one already?
[ It seems like such a rare thing for Felix to care about Locus' feelings on things. Because so often he hasn't and just did whatever the hell he wanted to do. It takes him by surprise when it happens now. But, he knows it's Felix trying to make an effort to change enough to make a difference. And all Locus can do is try to do the same and meet him halfway. It's not the easiest thing because he's still learning how to express himself properly—like he needs training wheels for his emotions. It's ridiculous, but. He's trying.
...Doesn't always work out for the best, but the attempts are being made to make himself a whole person again and learn to enjoy things about life instead of whatever he was doing before.
Which is why he makes the effort to show the appreciation for Felix choosing to not make a spectacle of them and to just stay here in their booth in the back and be quiet. Before he even fully forms the thought, he already feels stupid. It almost stops him from making the attempt because it feels so stupid. It's painfully pedestrian and not even anything shocking or out of the ordinary. But, for someone like Locus who worked so hard at forgetting he was even human at all with thoughts and opinions that mattered... There is just some heavy mental block he still needs to overcome to realize it's all right to be human and do things like this.
The mission is aborted at first because he takes a drink instead. A big one. But, then: the attempt is made. He reaches across the table in a sly sort of way like it's not really a big deal. Locus feels like if he pretends it's not a big deal that he can believe that it isn't. Because it's not really a big deal the way he curls his finger around a couple of Felix's and just sort of holds them loosely. It's fine. It's not a big deal even if he thinks this is stupid and thinks Felix probably thinks it is, too.
But, Locus just ignores he's basically holding Felix's hand and clears his throat looking at a spot just over Felix's shoulder. ]
There is an outline. [ It's a full on schedule. With color-coded substitutes, too. ] But can be adjusted should something else hold a higher value in interest.
[ Oblivious to the internal struggle going on inside of Locus, Felix doesn't believe there's anything out of the ordinary about the way he takes a drink. Maybe it's a little larger than usual, but it's been a long drive and with the bull a constant source of temptation loitering at the periphery of Felix's vision, it's understandable that he might want a little bit of liquid fortification.
What does confuse him is when sees Locus' hand start to creep across the table. Thinking maybe he's reaching for something, Felix takes a quick, subtle inventory of his options and comes up blank. There's nothing here. Everything that Locus might possibly want is on his side of the table. Which means he's—
The mystery's solved when he feels that finger slide over his own. In an instant, possible reactions flash through his mind: looking down in shock, clamping onto Locus' hand now that it's within range and not letting go, asking him what he's doing, staring at him like a moa caught in the headlights. Some of these options as tempting as fuck, but Felix, wiser than he acts nearly all of the time, does none of them.
Because Locus is playing it off like it isn't happening and Felix knows if he draws attention to it in any way, positive or negative, he's going to stop and might not ever do it again. Counterintuitive as it is, positive reinforcement where Locus is concerned tends to be ignoring the behavior that he wants to reinforce. ]
An outline with little color-coded flags and half a dozen ways to get to each one sorted by time, distance, and potential obstacles? [ It's a tease, asked with a tiny smile that's more grin than smirk. Being organized and meticulous to an anal degree makes Locus happy for reasons Felix cannot and probably never will be able to fathom. He isn't going to ruin it for him. The pad of his thumb skates along the top of Locus' finger, smoothing back and forth in a light, almost absent way. ] If Natural History catches fire, accounting for panicked crowds, what's the best way to get to Air and Space?
[ It's good Felix doesn't say anything. Not that Locus means to be the way he is, but he has to ease into everything on his own terms. It's bothersome to him, but he can't just go full-throttle like Felix does. It doesn't suit him and that's when he winds up making mistakes. And he hates those. Because Felix doesn't make a big deal out of it, Locus relaxes a little more and shifts his gaze to settle on Felix's face. He goes a step further and runs the pad of his thumb along the curve of space between Felix's finger and thumb.
This is fine.
While it's true he has a list of things with flags and color coding, he hadn't taken things to throw far enough degree to account for emergencies of that nature. So, he almost scoffs at that and does roll his eyes. ]
Is that foreshadowing? [ In a bold move, his hand shifts enough so their fingers slot together. ] Don't start any fires, Felix.
[ His mouth opens, the lascivious comment hovering on the tip of his tongue, but Locus never appreciates those and whatever is going on here on top of the table is unusual enough that Felix doesn't want to jeopardize it. Slowly, he shuts it and casts about for something else to say. It isn't an easy task.
I would never is a lie and he told Locus he wouldn't do that. The thought never crossed my mind isn't much better. You're no fucking fun might prompt an argument. ]
It was an example off the top of my head. [ True. ] We're too far inland for tidal waves and I couldn't think of other natural disasters that might be a problem here.
[ He may have been here for months but that doesn't make him an expert on Earth geography. ]
I know you like to be prepared. [ Ever so casually, his fingers squeeze around Locus'. ] Figured you'd have a dozen contingency plans detailed by now.
[ As much as he'd like to fight that he doesn't have contingency plans and that he can just fly by the seat of his pants, he can't deny that he does have several plans waiting in the wings and that he can't just go spur of the moment. In another life, maybe, but the man that Locus is now...
Well, it's just really difficult to figure out how to change who he's been all his life. Even little Sam Ortez had plans and didn't live life on the edge. Sometimes, even now, he wonders what that's like.
Locus shifts his gaze down to their hands, looking at the way their fingers fit together, watching as his thumb moves in an idle fashion over Felix's skin. This was spur of the moment. It's not like he had any plans to have any kind of outward public display of affection. So, maybe he's capable of letting go and just seeing what happens. At least in small increments at a time. Locus clears his throat and shifts slightly in his seat. ]
I suppose there are benefits to not always having a contingency plan waiting in the wings.
[ In the interest of not bringing Locus back to his senses, Felix doesn't look at their hands. But he's acutely conscious of every movement Locus' thumb makes as it moves over the back of his own. It's almost like it leaves some kind of trail in its wake—a swath of slightly warmer skin.
Which is stupid and untrue but he thinks it anyway. ]
Sometimes, sure.
[ As nonchalantly as a man can, Felix nudges at Locus' ankle with his foot. It's light, a touch instead of a kick, just to make another point of contact. ]
Sometimes it's nice to have a backup plan too.
[ His oh so casual way of saying that even though he mocks him for it sometimes, he doesn't actually hate Locus' anal-retentive planning. ]
[ Except that Locus is aware Felix tends to hate his plans because they're often quiet and less explosive when possible. Locus prefers the get in and get out without being seen kind of design. He's known Felix to be the opposite. Maybe that's why they work. Being opposites and all.
He doesn't do anything in retaliation for the nudge against his ankle, just remains steady and there resting against Felix's leg. The longer they do this, the more he can feel himself slipping away from... something. The more he can feel himself shifting. In what direction he doesn't know, just that it's different. Again his gaze us drawn right back to their hands and he studies them. Flashes of memories filter through his mind of when they'd clasped hands before throughout the years. Helping each other up, shaking on a deal. Sometimes Locus finds himself so caught up in the past and how things could be different.
The terrifying part is he's starting not to mind the alternate universe he's created in his head. The one that could be so similar to what's happening now, just not in this antiquated past. ]
What did you ever imagine for this? [ It's an abrupt topic change and Locus knows it has the potential to get wildly out of and and terrible quick if he's not careful. He jiggles their hands for a quick moment. ] Us.
[ He looks at Felix then, his expression curious and for once not condescending or exasperated. ]
And I don't mean just sex. Or is that all you thought about in regards to me?
[ Felix freezes, doing his best moa in the headlights impression. And since he is a good actor and spent a considerable portion of his formative years around the big dumb birds, he's actually pretty good at it. All wide eyes and long neck and the mistaken idea that if he doesn't move out of the middle of the road, he won't get run over by the vehicle barreling over the hill. ]
Um...
[ The noise just kind of leaks out of his mouth, vague and desperately searching for an answer that isn't the truth. Because the truth probably isn't what Locus wants to hear. The truth is weak and sentimental and fucking stupid for who and what they are. Except Locus has made a pretty big stink about wanting the truth instead of the half-truths, little white lies, and the humongous fluorescent lies.
Son of a bitch. ]
No. [ His gaze skitters to the side, shifty and a little panicked. ] It wasn't just sex. I mean, don't get me wrong, there was a lot of sex. A lot. At least once a day. Especially when you were wearing those tight work pants...
[ Sensing the impending derailment of the conversation, Felix hauls himself back from the precipice of extolling the virtues of Locus' ass and clears his throat. It takes some willpower, but he makes himself look at him. It's quick and furtive, darting glances at him like he's afraid he's going to bolt. ]
No, okay, look. I used to think maybe we'd get enough money to buy some place, like an island or a moon or whatever. Maybe not retire retire, but have so much money we wouldn't have to work unless we wanted to. And we'd just—We'd be together. You know, like... Not just fucking. That too, but we'd—You know. [ Ever so subtly, he hunches his shoulders in defense as he mutters; ] It worked for Mason and Megan.
[ To be completely honest, Locus doesn't know what he'd like to hear. He thinks he'd be a little offended if all Felix thought about was sex. He's more than just his dick. Or so he'd like to think. So, he doesn't think he wants to hear that. But, otherwise... he doesn't even know. Everything about this is still terrifying in some huge way he can't quite quantify. And though he's been a little more trusting with Felix day by day, he's wondering how this is going to be handled. If he'll get truth or lie.
In spite of everything he is and everything that they are, he actually has a tiny glimmer of hope for truth. ( Or at least something close enough to it. )
He patiently sits there and waits for whatever response and when it comes, he has to admit a little bit of surprise. Of course, this has been one of his branches of thought he's had during one of his long thinking sessions. How things could have been if they were different people. ( Or, Locus thinks to himself when he's alone, if he had been a stronger man and forced Felix to leave that temple. ) He's not shared any of these silly fantasies ( if they can be called that ) with Felix.
But, maybe he should.
Locus wets his lips and doesn't respond immediately, uncertain how to respond. Felix is uncomfortable with this—and truthfully so is Locus—but this is something they need to do. Not so much get embarrassed about sharing this kind of thing, but talking to each other like they're both people. They were people before everything was a disaster. Locus thinks that maybe they might be again. ]
A whole moon.
[ He doesn't even say it as a question and even though the delivery is flat, it should be clear enough to Felix that Locus is poking a little fun at this. Maybe he shouldn't, but he thinks it might diffuse the situation just enough. A soft exhale and he clears his throat as he leans back against the booth; his brows raise slightly in question. ]
Or getting a house built together in the middle of nowhere with a wild animal in tow?
[ It's easier to joke about the moon. Joking about the moon means he doesn't have to acknowledge the twisty anxiety that waiting for Locus' reaction brought to life in his stomach. Or the bizarre relief he feels afterward when the confession doesn't blow up in his face. ]
What's wrong with a moon? No one would be able to bother us and you could set up a whole defense network in orbit. See someone coming lightyears away.
[ And that's true! Having Locus all to himself on a whole fucking moon would be grand. Unfeasible, probably. Ridiculous, most likely. But Felix's best fantasies are hardly burdened with realism. ]
A house isn't bad either. The dog could have a big yard.
[ The dog being Leon, obviously. At least, with the cheeky kind of weirdly shy half-grin thing Felix feels his face doing it should be obvious that's what he means. And this, he thinks, is where he should leave it.
Being this open about emotional shit is progress. Easing himself, and by proxy Locus, into it can't be a bad thing. Not after the way they've been living their lives. But the problem with Felix is that once he starts talking, he has a hard time stopping. It's like the words see freedom and make a break for it. ]
It's just, I don't know. [ He doesn't start doodling on the table with his free fingers. He wants to, but he doesn't. He isn't some teenage girl, for Christ's sake. ] I want to keep something for once in my fucking life. I didn't even get to keep my stupid planet.
[ Again, he slants a glance at Locus, like he's testing the waters. And, well... He is. This is uncharted territory, this thing he's blundering pell-mell into. ]
I want to keep you. For good. [ Forever. ] I have since the beginning.
[ It's difficult not to think of the "could haves" and "would haves" in situations like this. Locus isn't so closed off that he doesn't think about how life could have been if only certain things had gone differently, been handled differently. Not that he's prone to flights of fancy, but Felix has been a main components in his life for longer than his own family. It's not a far stretch to think about the future.
Or, well, at one time it hadn't been. Now things are just too convoluted and confusing.
But, the big fact remains: he doesn't hate it. Not all of it, anyway. The boring sedentary life he doesn't care for so much. Though, he imagines Felix will take care of that one way or another. He's never handled downtime well.
Locus leans back in his seat, the leather creaking beneath him. Though he's not quite looking at Felix, it's not a look of annoyance on his face. Felix can likely easily figure out it's the expression he wears while deep in thought—seeing through everything rather than seeing it. Finally, he does rally; ]
I don't think a moon is doable right now. They don't seem to care much about space travel in the past.
[ There's only the smallest of pauses; he presses his lips together for a moment before clearing his throat and continuing. ]
When we get back, there's some land to look at in the mountains just outside the city.
[ That's as much of an answer as he can give without actually saying he'll be kept. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And he knows that if he did get up and go ride that bull, Locus would hate it. The paranoia would creep in and the weight of all the eyes in the room, whether they were actually looking at him or not, would drive him crazy. Felix wants this vacation to be fun and enjoyable for both of them. Making Locus self-conscious won't accomplish that. ]
I want to do a lot of things. [ He accompanies that with a negligent shrug. ] It's fine.
[ His fingers drum an absent-minded beat against the top of the table, some residual holdover from a song he'd heard on the radio on the way down. Their drinks come soon and beyond a winning smile and a gracious thank you, he doesn't say much to the waitress. As soon as she's gone, he picks up his glass and takes a sip, letting himself savor the flavor of the alcohol before he swallows it. ]
Are there any sights you definitely want to see while we're down here? We should probably make a schedule. [ Locus likes schedules. Felix is trying here. ] Or do you have one already?
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...Doesn't always work out for the best, but the attempts are being made to make himself a whole person again and learn to enjoy things about life instead of whatever he was doing before.
Which is why he makes the effort to show the appreciation for Felix choosing to not make a spectacle of them and to just stay here in their booth in the back and be quiet. Before he even fully forms the thought, he already feels stupid. It almost stops him from making the attempt because it feels so stupid. It's painfully pedestrian and not even anything shocking or out of the ordinary. But, for someone like Locus who worked so hard at forgetting he was even human at all with thoughts and opinions that mattered... There is just some heavy mental block he still needs to overcome to realize it's all right to be human and do things like this.
The mission is aborted at first because he takes a drink instead. A big one. But, then: the attempt is made. He reaches across the table in a sly sort of way like it's not really a big deal. Locus feels like if he pretends it's not a big deal that he can believe that it isn't. Because it's not really a big deal the way he curls his finger around a couple of Felix's and just sort of holds them loosely. It's fine. It's not a big deal even if he thinks this is stupid and thinks Felix probably thinks it is, too.
But, Locus just ignores he's basically holding Felix's hand and clears his throat looking at a spot just over Felix's shoulder. ]
There is an outline. [ It's a full on schedule. With color-coded substitutes, too. ] But can be adjusted should something else hold a higher value in interest.
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What does confuse him is when sees Locus' hand start to creep across the table. Thinking maybe he's reaching for something, Felix takes a quick, subtle inventory of his options and comes up blank. There's nothing here. Everything that Locus might possibly want is on his side of the table. Which means he's—
The mystery's solved when he feels that finger slide over his own. In an instant, possible reactions flash through his mind: looking down in shock, clamping onto Locus' hand now that it's within range and not letting go, asking him what he's doing, staring at him like a moa caught in the headlights. Some of these options as tempting as fuck, but Felix, wiser than he acts nearly all of the time, does none of them.
Because Locus is playing it off like it isn't happening and Felix knows if he draws attention to it in any way, positive or negative, he's going to stop and might not ever do it again. Counterintuitive as it is, positive reinforcement where Locus is concerned tends to be ignoring the behavior that he wants to reinforce. ]
An outline with little color-coded flags and half a dozen ways to get to each one sorted by time, distance, and potential obstacles? [ It's a tease, asked with a tiny smile that's more grin than smirk. Being organized and meticulous to an anal degree makes Locus happy for reasons Felix cannot and probably never will be able to fathom. He isn't going to ruin it for him. The pad of his thumb skates along the top of Locus' finger, smoothing back and forth in a light, almost absent way. ] If Natural History catches fire, accounting for panicked crowds, what's the best way to get to Air and Space?
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This is fine.
While it's true he has a list of things with flags and color coding, he hadn't taken things to throw far enough degree to account for emergencies of that nature. So, he almost scoffs at that and does roll his eyes. ]
Is that foreshadowing? [ In a bold move, his hand shifts enough so their fingers slot together. ] Don't start any fires, Felix.
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I would never is a lie and he told Locus he wouldn't do that. The thought never crossed my mind isn't much better. You're no fucking fun might prompt an argument. ]
It was an example off the top of my head. [ True. ] We're too far inland for tidal waves and I couldn't think of other natural disasters that might be a problem here.
[ He may have been here for months but that doesn't make him an expert on Earth geography. ]
I know you like to be prepared. [ Ever so casually, his fingers squeeze around Locus'. ] Figured you'd have a dozen contingency plans detailed by now.
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Well, it's just really difficult to figure out how to change who he's been all his life. Even little Sam Ortez had plans and didn't live life on the edge. Sometimes, even now, he wonders what that's like.
Locus shifts his gaze down to their hands, looking at the way their fingers fit together, watching as his thumb moves in an idle fashion over Felix's skin. This was spur of the moment. It's not like he had any plans to have any kind of outward public display of affection. So, maybe he's capable of letting go and just seeing what happens. At least in small increments at a time. Locus clears his throat and shifts slightly in his seat. ]
I suppose there are benefits to not always having a contingency plan waiting in the wings.
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Which is stupid and untrue but he thinks it anyway. ]
Sometimes, sure.
[ As nonchalantly as a man can, Felix nudges at Locus' ankle with his foot. It's light, a touch instead of a kick, just to make another point of contact. ]
Sometimes it's nice to have a backup plan too.
[ His oh so casual way of saying that even though he mocks him for it sometimes, he doesn't actually hate Locus' anal-retentive planning. ]
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He doesn't do anything in retaliation for the nudge against his ankle, just remains steady and there resting against Felix's leg. The longer they do this, the more he can feel himself slipping away from... something. The more he can feel himself shifting. In what direction he doesn't know, just that it's different. Again his gaze us drawn right back to their hands and he studies them. Flashes of memories filter through his mind of when they'd clasped hands before throughout the years. Helping each other up, shaking on a deal. Sometimes Locus finds himself so caught up in the past and how things could be different.
The terrifying part is he's starting not to mind the alternate universe he's created in his head. The one that could be so similar to what's happening now, just not in this antiquated past. ]
What did you ever imagine for this? [ It's an abrupt topic change and Locus knows it has the potential to get wildly out of and and terrible quick if he's not careful. He jiggles their hands for a quick moment. ] Us.
[ He looks at Felix then, his expression curious and for once not condescending or exasperated. ]
And I don't mean just sex. Or is that all you thought about in regards to me?
no subject
Um...
[ The noise just kind of leaks out of his mouth, vague and desperately searching for an answer that isn't the truth. Because the truth probably isn't what Locus wants to hear. The truth is weak and sentimental and fucking stupid for who and what they are. Except Locus has made a pretty big stink about wanting the truth instead of the half-truths, little white lies, and the humongous fluorescent lies.
Son of a bitch. ]
No. [ His gaze skitters to the side, shifty and a little panicked. ] It wasn't just sex. I mean, don't get me wrong, there was a lot of sex. A lot. At least once a day. Especially when you were wearing those tight work pants...
[ Sensing the impending derailment of the conversation, Felix hauls himself back from the precipice of extolling the virtues of Locus' ass and clears his throat. It takes some willpower, but he makes himself look at him. It's quick and furtive, darting glances at him like he's afraid he's going to bolt. ]
No, okay, look. I used to think maybe we'd get enough money to buy some place, like an island or a moon or whatever. Maybe not retire retire, but have so much money we wouldn't have to work unless we wanted to. And we'd just—We'd be together. You know, like... Not just fucking. That too, but we'd—You know. [ Ever so subtly, he hunches his shoulders in defense as he mutters; ] It worked for Mason and Megan.
no subject
In spite of everything he is and everything that they are, he actually has a tiny glimmer of hope for truth. ( Or at least something close enough to it. )
He patiently sits there and waits for whatever response and when it comes, he has to admit a little bit of surprise. Of course, this has been one of his branches of thought he's had during one of his long thinking sessions. How things could have been if they were different people. ( Or, Locus thinks to himself when he's alone, if he had been a stronger man and forced Felix to leave that temple. ) He's not shared any of these silly fantasies ( if they can be called that ) with Felix.
But, maybe he should.
Locus wets his lips and doesn't respond immediately, uncertain how to respond. Felix is uncomfortable with this—and truthfully so is Locus—but this is something they need to do. Not so much get embarrassed about sharing this kind of thing, but talking to each other like they're both people. They were people before everything was a disaster. Locus thinks that maybe they might be again. ]
A whole moon.
[ He doesn't even say it as a question and even though the delivery is flat, it should be clear enough to Felix that Locus is poking a little fun at this. Maybe he shouldn't, but he thinks it might diffuse the situation just enough. A soft exhale and he clears his throat as he leans back against the booth; his brows raise slightly in question. ]
Or getting a house built together in the middle of nowhere with a wild animal in tow?
no subject
What's wrong with a moon? No one would be able to bother us and you could set up a whole defense network in orbit. See someone coming lightyears away.
[ And that's true! Having Locus all to himself on a whole fucking moon would be grand. Unfeasible, probably. Ridiculous, most likely. But Felix's best fantasies are hardly burdened with realism. ]
A house isn't bad either. The dog could have a big yard.
[ The dog being Leon, obviously. At least, with the cheeky kind of weirdly shy half-grin thing Felix feels his face doing it should be obvious that's what he means. And this, he thinks, is where he should leave it.
Being this open about emotional shit is progress. Easing himself, and by proxy Locus, into it can't be a bad thing. Not after the way they've been living their lives. But the problem with Felix is that once he starts talking, he has a hard time stopping. It's like the words see freedom and make a break for it. ]
It's just, I don't know. [ He doesn't start doodling on the table with his free fingers. He wants to, but he doesn't. He isn't some teenage girl, for Christ's sake. ] I want to keep something for once in my fucking life. I didn't even get to keep my stupid planet.
[ Again, he slants a glance at Locus, like he's testing the waters. And, well... He is. This is uncharted territory, this thing he's blundering pell-mell into. ]
I want to keep you. For good. [ Forever. ] I have since the beginning.
no subject
Or, well, at one time it hadn't been. Now things are just too convoluted and confusing.
But, the big fact remains: he doesn't hate it. Not all of it, anyway. The boring sedentary life he doesn't care for so much. Though, he imagines Felix will take care of that one way or another. He's never handled downtime well.
Locus leans back in his seat, the leather creaking beneath him. Though he's not quite looking at Felix, it's not a look of annoyance on his face. Felix can likely easily figure out it's the expression he wears while deep in thought—seeing through everything rather than seeing it. Finally, he does rally; ]
I don't think a moon is doable right now. They don't seem to care much about space travel in the past.
[ There's only the smallest of pauses; he presses his lips together for a moment before clearing his throat and continuing. ]
When we get back, there's some land to look at in the mountains just outside the city.
[ That's as much of an answer as he can give without actually saying he'll be kept. ]