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[classification]

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[douchebag]

No, but it'd sure be fun to look like one of those sculptures of the perfect male physique.

[classification]

There's nothing wrong with how you look.

[douchebag]

You don't secretly think I have a rat face?

[ Lozano's insult still haunts him. ]

[classification]

No. What would be the point of secretly thinking something like that?

[ When he can secretly think of plans and jobs and work????? ]

[douchebag]

[ That is so fucking boring. Maybe he should secretly think Felix has a rat face. ]

YOU THINK IT OPENLY?!

[ Surprise! Trick question! ]

[classification]

[ He's never really associate Felix's face with anything other than being Felix's face. Isn't that what faces are for? ]

Have I ever said that?

[ What is happening. ]

[douchebag]

Okay, let me let you in on a secret.

If someone asks you if you secretly think something unflattering about them, the only right answer is to say you don't think it at all. Immediately. Without hesitating.

Kind of like if a woman asks you if something makes her look fat. It's a trick. If you hesitate, you're in trouble. If you say yes, you're in a LOT of trouble. And if you say no, you're probably still in trouble because she won't believe you.

[classification]

That's ridiculous.

[douchebag]

That's because women make no fucking sense. Look, I'll prove it. Next time we're at work, I'm maneuver Traci into asking me.

[classification]

To what purpose?

[douchebag]

To show you that it's a thing!

[classification]

You realize that is just as ridiculous, don't you?

[douchebag]

No. Look, people are complicated and stupid, okay? And learning what makes them stupid and complicated is like scouting out the terrain ahead of an op. You get intel you can use later if shit hits the fan.

[classification]

What intel would I gain from this?

[douchebag]

How to avoid pissing Traci off when you want to keep the peace AND what buttons to push when you want to set her off. When you know how to handle people, you can get them to do what you want and then maybe you don't have to kill them later.

[classification]

She already does as I ask.

[ HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE PURPOSE OF THIS!!! ]

[douchebag]

That's because you're hot and you use the sexy voice when you ask her to do stuff.

[ PROFESSOR GATES WILL TEACH HIM. ]

[classification]

I use my regular speaking voice.

[ Which is to say he doesn't have a sex voice??? ]

[douchebag]

Yeah. That's the sex voice. It's all low and gravelly. When you're in a good mood, it's kind of like a silky purr and when you're in a bad mood, it gets growly.

[ Surprise! He's had the sex voice all along! ]

[classification]

You're being absurd.

[ Stop at once!! ]

[douchebag]

I am not! You're literally like a walking wet dream and the fact that you're completely oblivious just makes you hotter to everybody.

[ N o. ]

[classification]

[ This is never not going to be weird to hear. Not that he thinks he's been beaten with the fuck-ugly stick, but how he looks isn't remotely a concern.

Except for his clothes. ]

Yes you are. It has already been established you hold a bias.

[douchebag]

How do you think that bias started??? Your muscles have muscles. You're tall. You've got that dark skin. Your fucking HAIR. And your eyes. There is literally nothing about you that isn't attractive at first glance. And then you talk and you sound normally like what most guys have to try to sound like.

AND THEN there's the rest of you. The dry sense of humor. How good you are with a gun. The fact that you fucking care about stupid shit. You could probably squash a guy's head with your bare hands. You're smart! You can plan shit. You're reliable. You're honest. You have a lot of money. You've got style. Your ass looks amazing in jeans.

And you don't even care! You're not arrogant. You don't think you're better than everybody even though you are. Anyone else being you for a day would be a huge douche and you're you all the time and you aren't.

Wake the fuck up, man.

[classification]

[ Well. That's something. Locus doesn't really know what to say. It's not that he's never gotten compliments before, but it's usually about his work ethic in completing mission parameters. ]

It takes two times human force to crush a head.

[ Sorry. He doesn't really know what else to say to all of that. ]

[douchebag]

Okay, well, you look like you can apply that much force without trying.

[ Is it sinking in? Probably not. Felix searches through his phone, finds a picture that's just Locus' face. There isn't any stupid makeup on it covering the scars and he isn't exactly looking at the camera, Felix having snapped in when he didn't realize he was being watched. He attaches it to the message. ]

I've seen a lot but I've never seen anything as breathtaking as this.